I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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