with your own penis?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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