I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
