dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
