flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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