take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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