Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
