If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
