Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
