That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
