Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
