you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
