I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
