I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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