he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
