I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
