I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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