This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had sex on a roof
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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