More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Nicole vs. Life
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
