Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
