All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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