So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
