Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
