The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
