Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
