i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
