Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
