Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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