I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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