I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
