I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
