I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
