I wish my penis had an off switch
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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