we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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