Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
