I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
