I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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