Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
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I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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