she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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