everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
