It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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