I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
