happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
