I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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