I wish they made helmets for livers.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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