Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
