I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
