But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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