Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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