I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
