I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
