Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
