I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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