Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
