Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
