How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
