We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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