Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
