her vagine was all disorganized.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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