Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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