dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
