yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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